From Every Street
by Meredith T. Tasaki
Summary: Ed argues with the Colonel. At midnight. From the street. This gets a reaction. If there were a 'farcical bickering' category, I'd put it in that...


From Every Street

Rating: PGish

Summary: Ed argues with the Colonel. At midnight. From the street. This gets a reaction. (If there were a 'farcical bickering' category, I'd put it in that...)

Notes: Random thing written over a night for no reason. Probably a little OOC. Strange mood I must have been in... And this was months ago. Things got overlooked.

Disclaimer: Don't own FMA. I also stole a line from Jaelle-sama's fic "Mission Report", and one from "Hill Street Blues".

(-)

"I'm sure it's this way."

"This _can't_ be a good idea."

"See? I was right!"

"Oh god." Al turned around. "I can't look."

"HEY!" Ed yelled, at the top of his lungs. "HEY, OLD GUY!"

"I don't think he can hear you."

"I'll yell louder!"

"I was thinking you could maybe ring the doorbell and have a quiet conversation over tea and stuff inside."

"Screw _that_. OLD GUY! HellOOOOOO!"

A light came on.

"HEY! You deaf as well as ugly!" Ed yelled.

"_Please _stop taunting him," Al pleaded. "He does things, with fire, and--"

"Fullmetal?" Colonel Roy Mustang opened a window. "It can't be."

"LOOK WHO'S AWAKE!" Ed yelled.

"It's well past your bedtime, Fullmetal," Roy called down. "Go home."

"Well, I TRIED to do that! I really did! And do you know what happened? Because you ALWAYS know what happened."

"Fullmetal--"

"My stuff was in the hallway! I came home and my stuff was in the hallway."

"Yes."

"Did you put it there! Are you kicking me out!"

"Had you bothered to ASK anyone," Roy said testily, "you would have found out that your wing has been closed for repairs due to an unfortunate accident. Now if you could just move to one of the OTHER rooms--"

"You stole my notebooks!" Ed accused.

"Fullmetal," Roy said, "I already have to deal with you enough. Why would I steal your notebooks and put myself through _more _of your nonsensical rantings?"

"NONSENSICAL!"

"Not to mention the abuse."

"ABUSE! _I_ abuse _YOU_! OH COME ON! What you do to me is so totally illegal! Child abuse!"

"Well, that's hardly MY fault. You came to me and--"

"YOU came to ME!"

"Well, YOU'RE the one coming to my HOUSE!"

"Well I had no choice! I come back, after a VERY long mission, during which at least THREE people were trying to kill me--"

"I don't think the banana was an assassination attempt, brother," Al said.

"Not now! I've been drowned, shot at, burned, buried, and I get home after a six-hour train ride at ELEVEN o'clock at NIGHT and I'm just TRYING to find someplace to SLEEP and I get kicked out of my rooms and stolen from!"

"Really!" Roy said. "Why would ANYONE want to eject you from their home, when you are so FULL of charm!"

"I HAVE NOWHERE TO SLEEP!"

"Well, you're not sleeping HERE, if _that _was your intent!"

"The HELL would I want to sleep HERE for! Your house is uglier than YOU are and you'd probably do something to me in my sleep!"

"Well, if you didn't give people such _motive_--"

"Who've you got in there, huh? You know her name?"

"I do NOT have anyone in here!"

"Oh, come on! You wouldn't be so pissed at me if you didn't have something to hide! You have no idea what her name is, do you! YOU TRAMP!"

"Why the hell do you care! And WHY are you out there yelling at me from the street!"

"BECAUSE YOU KICKED ME OUT!"

"THAT WASN'T ME!"

"I DON'T CARE!"

"Are you wearing a dress?"

"WHAT!"

"You're wearing a dress!"

"IT'S NOT A DRESS! Some of my clothes got burned in some of the unfortunate incidents that are ALL YOUR FAULT I was telling you about, and someone lent me something, and I haven't had time to change, and I don't _HAVE _anywhere to change because YOU KICKED ME OUT!"

"I _TOLD_ you, I didn't DO that!"

"_YOU DO EVERYTHING!_"

"If you just go to the dorms--"

"They won't let me in!"

"Why not!"

"Because I'm wearing a dress!"

"They let you into the OTHER dorm to get your stuff."

"_AND THEN THEY MADE A PASS AT ME!_"

"You must be hallucinating. No sane human would EVER make a pass at YOU."

"What the hell would YOU know, you PERVERT! I WANT MY NOTES BACK!"

"I DON'T _HAVE _THEM!"

"YOU DO SO!"

"WHAT THE _HELL_ ARE YOU _DOING_ HERE!"

"I WANTED TO YELL AT YOU!"

"AND YOU HAVE! NOW GO AWAY!"

"WHERE TO! YOU KICKED ME OUT!"

"_I DID NOT KICK YOU OUT!_"

"FINE!" Ed yelled and stormed away.

"The _hell_!" Roy muttered, slamming the window shut.

(-)

"Fullmetal?"

"It's three AM. What are you, a pervert?"

"Please stop that. You found somewhere to sleep?"

"Yeah, the other dorm. I threatened them and they said they were just kidding about not letting me in and they thought I'd already slipped in the back. Probably a lie, but whatever. The hell are you calling me for?"

"Could you possibly explain the details of our little argument to the police officer?"

"...The WHAT?"

"And if you could avoid calling me a pervert as you do, I'd appreciate it."

"The COPS are there?"

"Think back over our conversation."

Ed blinked. "I thought the cops were in your pocket."

"As did I. Would you _please_ just reassure the officer that I have never molested you?"

"And why should I--"

"_Fullmetal_."

Ed sighed, knowing that this was too serious to give in to that temptation. "Yeah, okay..."

(-)

"We've been getting calls from your neighbors," said Hawkeye, looking entirely too amused.

"Oh good God." Roy put his head in his hand.

"Do you keep a boy in your house?"

"NO. It's just that a certain blonde, miniscule, partially-metal alchemist we all know decided to _harangue _me in the middle of the night."

"Because you nearly got me KILLED!" Ed defended instantly, showing up seemingly out of nowhere. "KILLED! Dead! To cease to be! AND THEN YOU GOT ME KICKED OUT OF MY ROOM!"

"That WASN'T ME!" Roy yelled. "AND _YOU _GOT THE FREAKING _COPS _CALLED ON ME, SO I THINK WE'RE EVEN!"

"I got 'em to go AWAY, didn't I! And it's not MY fault your stupid neighbors called the cops!"

"It IS your fault because you were STANDING IN THE STREET YELLING AT ME WEARING A DRESS AND ASKING WHY I KICKED YOU OUT WHEN I REPEATEDLY TOLD YOU I _DIDN'T _AND I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR DAMN NOTEBOOK EITHER AND _ARRGH_!" Roy stormed into his office and slammed the door.

Ed blinked. "The hell?"

"I think you broke him," Al said, sounding worried.

(-)

"So that was scary."

"Yes," said Hawkeye.

"That needs to stop."

"Yes."

"I mean, the colonel was _yelling_ at him. Yelling! He never yells like that! I think Al was right, I think they broke him."

"Yes."

"And we've got to find a way to get them to stop fighting with each other."

"Oh really?"

"Okay, only fight with each other as much as usual. _Normally_. Where Ed's the only one who yells and the colonel just, you know, sits there and smirks at him and pisses him off. A truce, or something. But how on earth..."

"A common enemy," Hawkeye said, and resolutely strode out of the office.

(-)

"I--will--KILL him!"

Roy grabbed Ed's arm angrily as he passed him in the hall. "Who, pray tell, do you intend to kill? Not me, for once?"

"Morrison!" Ed growled. "HE'S the one who stole my notebook!"

"As I told you, _several times_, it wasn't me."

"It was STILL your FAULT!"

"Oh _really_! How!"

"Because YOU approved the reconstruction notice! Because Jones, who's a puppet of one of Morrison's puppets, was the one who 'accidentally' caused the explosion that blew the first dorm up, allowing access to my notebooks. Because the contractors who made a PASS at me are ALSO, in no coincidence, named 'Morrison'! And thus he's the one who stole my notes and it's _your _fault! HA!"

Roy blinked. "What? That can't be. I would have caught that."

"And you DIDN'T and I had to walk around town in a DRESS!"

"And you almost got me _arrested _because you were behaving irrationally and yelling at me from the street."

"Fine, we're not even."

"Hmm?"

"We'll forget about this 'cause it cancels out. But you've STILL nearly gotten me killed so we're STILL not even."

Roy glanced down at him languidly. "That, Fullmetal, I will admit."

Ed growled. "Now if you'll excuse me--"

"Not so fast." Roy grabbed his arm again. "While I could possibly recover from _some_ of the damage if you killed Morrison, I wouldn't be able to fix it all, and I'd be punished, have to punish you, and you'd likely be demoted and transferred over to one of the colonels who isn't me. And as much as you may dislike me, Fullmetal, I can assure you I am the best superior officer you are likely to find."

"Yeah," Ed said. "I know. _Which is why I have to kill him_! I can't let a bunch of crazies like the _State _get their hands on my research! What if they _understand _it! We'll all die!" He struggled to get away.

"Why don't you just cool off for a while." Roy shoved the young alchemist into a closet and transmuted the door lock.

"HEY, YOU SMIRKY SON OF A--"

"Flame Alchemist!"

Roy blinked and turned, all charm. "Morrison! I haven't seen you in a while."

"Yes, I suppose we run in different 'circles'." Morrison chuckled. Roy didn't. "I've been looking for some paperwork on your Fullmetal boy's missions... it seems to have been misfiled."

"Really?" Roy said blandly, holding the door closed nonchalantly.

"Yes, it's supposed to be in a filing cabinet that doesn't exist."

Roy blinked innocently. "Have you checked the ones in the basement?"

"I even checked the one they keep in the flooded bathroom down there. Or sent one of my boys to check it. Made sure he flushed." He chuckled. Roy didn't. "But it wasn't there."

"Well, I don't know where else to look, then," Roy lied calmly.

"Ah. Oh well." Morrison pretended to believe him. "Oh, by the way, I heard the rumors going around today."

Roy tensed imperceptibly. "Did you now."

"Hey, I got no problem with it. What cook can resist a little nibble in the pantry?" He chuckled. Roy decidedly did not. "Little cookie dough while the cookies are baking. Happens to everyone. I just thought I'd warn you, though, to be a little more careful. You know what they say on the force."

"No," Roy said, his pressure against the door waning slightly, "I don't."

"Fifteen'll get you twenty." Morrison winked. "I'd go with a little riper fruit next time."

Roy stared at him levelly. "Are you insinuating something?"

"What? No!"

Roy was tempted to give him that point; 'insinuate' implied a greater degree of subtlety. "You know..." he said. "I think there is a file cabinet in this closet right here. Maybe that's it?"

"You think so? I'll check that out with Maintenance," he said. "Thanks, buddy!"

"_Colonel_," Roy corrected, but he was already too far away to hear.

The closet was quiet; maybe Fullmetal was sulking. Roy undid the modifications he'd made to the lock and walked away.

"Colonel Mustang, sir!" Hawkeye ran up and saluted. "These files need your immediate attention!"

"As usual," Mustang said, and listened behind him for the sound of Morrison sneaking back to check the closet himself. "Shouldn't I look through them in my office?"

"Well, yes, sir, but... there have been... scurrilous stories going around base, and I thought I'd check up on you. Rumors can be... very distracting. Demoralizing, sir."

"Yes," Roy said, listening to Morrison loudly pick the lock. The door creaked open.

Roy cocked his head slightly, waiting.

"_YOU_!"

"_AAAAA_!"

"_GIVE ME BACK MY NOTES, YOU FREAKING PERVERT!"_

Roy smiled at the dulcet harmony of Fullmetal's screech and his victim's panicked scream; the sweet percussion of Morrison's terrified running, with its counterpoint of Fullmetal chasing after.

"Actually," he said, "my day's looking up."

He took the files and headed toward his office, humming serenely.

Hawkeye smiled as she followed him. _Nothing better than the simple satisfaction of a job well done._

(-)


End file.
